HOMEPAGE RIDE-OUTS & EVENTS PHOTO ALBUM FORUM JOIN THE VSOC JOKES FOR SALE BUY CLUB MERCHANDISE BIKING LINKS TOOLBOX LETTERS MEMBERS The next meeting is scheduled at: The Blue Bell Inn, Paddock Wood. Thursday 26th April 20:00 for a 20:30 start.

Jokes & Funnies

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, & a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring & a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, & she will know that I love her." After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls & a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, & she would have known that I loved her." The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, & said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt & a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself."

THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME There are only ten things in this world you need to fix any motorcycle, any place, any time. Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time. 1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from Le Mans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth. 2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, round off bolt heads, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time. 4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under the bike looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the seat, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins. 5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming. 6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used bikes, subtract £ 100.00 for each zip tie under the tank. 7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed. 8. Baling Wire: Commonly known as BSA muffler brackets, baling wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with BSA, Triumph, and other single and vertical twins set. 9. Bonking Stick: - This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it). 10.A Ten Pence and a Phone Booth: See #1 above.

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk! Steven Gibson

Two bros scootin' on a crisp fall morning. First one signals to pull over. Second one says "What's wrong?" First one says, "Man my lips are really chapped and hurtin'." Second one says, "C'mon man, tough it out." Down the road the same thing happens, again. Second one says, "C'mon man, tough it out." First one signals for a third time to pull over. Disgusted, the second pulls over and walks into a farmer's field. There, he gets four fingers full of cow shit and returns to the scoots. First one says, "Is that goin' to stop my lips from hurtin'?" "No," says the second, "but it'll sure as hell keep you from lickin' 'em!"

Whats wrong with this Harley Add.

A Suzuki rider, a Honda rider and a Harley rider all worked together building a skyscraper. They were eating lunch together one day on the 30th floor structure. The Suzuki rider said, "Man, chicken again. If I have chicken in my bucket tomorrow, I'm jumping!" The Honda rider said, "Crap, bologna again. If I have bologna in my bucket tomorrow, I'll jump, too!" The Harley rider said, "Well, I've got rice again and if I have rice tomorrow, I'll jump, too!" The next day the Suzuki rider opened his bucket, had chicken, and jumped. The Honda rider had bologna and jumped. The Harley rider had rice, he jumped, too. The funerals were held together and the wives of the three were talking. The Suzuki widow said, "If I had only known I would not have packed chicken". The Honda widow said the same about bologna. The Harley widow just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Don't blame me, he packed his own lunch!"

A biker has been on the road for a weeks, without female companionship, and decides to get rid of the frustration. At the next town, after finding out the location of the local bordello, he heads straight to it. He kicks the door in, yelling "I want a woman, and I want one now!!" The Madame recognizes his urgency, and ushers him into the main room where her best lady is. The hooker is very impressed with what she sees as this big hunk starts stripping, exposing rippling muscles & tattoos, and eagerly waits to see the size of the love muscle. Her shock could not be hidden, when the smallest Willy that she had ever seen was displayed. With contempt, she sneered at him, "and who the hell do you think you're gonna satisfy with that ?" The biker just gave her a knowing smile, and replied.. "ME"

KKK Biker Gang A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough there they were, about 50 of 'em, torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, "leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals. Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!" " St, Peter, impressed, says "Really? when did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago."

Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant. >> Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession. Phil: - Oh! What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Phil: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Phil: - Me? Never. Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Phil: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate. Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Eric: - What's that then? Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Eric: - Nope. Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.